I need help, or lessons in self-control

For the past few nights, I've been eating cake icing. Yeah, you read it right. Chocolate fudge cake icing. After Nicole goes to sleep, I pull the tub of sweet chocolaty goodness out of the fridge and lose myself in it's euphoric, endorphin-inducing love. My husband just looks at me and laughs. I'm not sure if he's laughing because I look ridiculous carrying around a container of cake topping, along with spoon and Coke in hand. I'm not sure if the bad part is that I'm consuming this stuff, or that I'm doing it at 10 o'clock at night. I know I should feel bad, or at least guilty, but I don't. I find that indulging in such sweets reduces my stress, and makes me feel so much better. It's like getting a hug from your favorite grandmother.

Now for the even worse part. I brought my icing to work with me today, and have been eating it on the sly. How gluttonous can one person be? Right now, I feel like puking from eating as much as I have. This was/is to be the year I started eating healthier and exercising. From the looks of things, I've not kept that promise to myself at all. Then again, I never set an actual date as to when I would start doing all of those positive things I just mentioned. Maybe sometime after Valentines would be a good choice at this point. Who can really expect me to not eat chocolate when we are on the heels of the commercially-pushed chocolate season? Maybe I can blame society for subliminally sabotaging my diet before I even started it. How's that for putting the blame elsewhere? :)

Daniel "Danny" J. Gokey

Season 8 of American Idol kicked off Tuesday night, and much to my delight, there were quite a few "freaks" on the show. I know it's horrible to take delight in how these people are oblivious to the fact that they can't sing, but I am only human.

Wednesday night offered a few more sad, unfortunate individuals, but there was a truly unique, talented person who caught my eye. Daniel J. Gokey, a 28 year old music teacher from Wisconsin. What made his story so touching was the fact that his wife Sophia had passed away 4 weeks before his audition. To know that he had the strength to keep living his life and pursue his dreams despite such a devastating loss was and is truly inspiring. Oh, and did I mention he looks like Robert Downey Jr.? That just upped his coolness right there. That, and the fact that he can really sing!

So, from the start, I'm rooting for Danny. I know some would say it's early to pick a favorite, but I'm gonna stick with my gut feeling on this one. I hope you all get a chance to watch, and that you too see the talent in this young man.

Where does time go?

The other night, I stood in the bathroom, brushing my teeth. I remembered that I had looked at the clock before I went in there, and the time was 10:47pm. It occured to me that I had been home from work for 6 hours, yet it felt like the night had flew by. I began to wonder where the time went. I can account for 6 hours at work, they tend to drag on. It just seemed to me that my evenings at home with the family are never long enough, which is sad because here lately, I've been spending that time in negative moods. If I'm not angry and aggitated, then I'm tired and worn down. Sometimes, the hours after work seem so busy, so rushed, that even if I am in a good mood, I don't slow down enough to enjoy it. It's really starting to bother me.

I look at Nicole and realize I need to change my ways. She is now 9 years old, and growing up everyday. Before I know it, she will be grown and gone, and I'll wonder where the time went. I'll only have myself to blame for not living in the "now", and truly enjoying it. Ican only hope that it isn't too late, and that time will begin to slow down for me, and I canenjoy every minute of it.

Now that I've calmed down a bit...

I started this blog and just started throwing all sorts of stuff on here. I decided I should slow down and actually type some words of meaning, words of "right now".

I'm at work right now. Work is for The State. I would say where, but that's on a need-to-know basis at this point. My job is not a glamorous one, but a lot of people think it's important due to where I work. It's funny how that happens. A person could say they work at NASA, and most would automatically assume that person was a brilliant mind. We take for granted the fact that person could actually just be the janitor. With that said, I work for the State, and I'm not a janitor. Do with that info what you will.

2009 has started out to be the kind of year that I hope goes well, but have no expectations for. With the current standing of the economy, the irrational behavior of most individuals, and my daily struggle with bipolar disorder, I'm not really sure what's in store for the new year. I can only hope that the responsible decisions I have chosen will be followed through on, and that I will be better because of it, if only financially. I know I should wish for health and eternal happiness, but I can only manage one aspect of disarray at a time. Common since tells me to fix the money first.

With that being said, here's my list of things I hope to do and/or accomplish in the new year:

*Pay off my loans, stop spending freely, start saving and set a budget
*Join a gym (seriously) Not only to get in shape physically, but mentally and emotionally
*Win the lottery (Don't we all!)
*Write a book (or at least start one)
*Meet Cassandra King (she is such a wonderful author)
*Go on a trip (one that requires at least 8 hours of driving, or a plane ride)
*Start going to church (I would like to find one that fits my beliefs, that I am comfortable with)
*Be a better wife and mother (I know my husband and daughter would agree)
*Get pregnant (this one is a toss-up. I leave it in God's hands. He knows what's best for me)


Ok guys, that's all I have for right now. I'm sure some other random thought will take over my mind, and I'll once again share with you!

I hope you all have a blessed day!

Cynthia

Some of my favorite sites

Just thought I'd list some of myfavorite site for you guys to check out.

www.garyallan.com for anyone who knows me, this is self-explanatory

www.mysavings.com I have found so much free stuff on this site! I mean, everything from free shampoo samples to a free sleeping bag, to much, much more! check it out!

www.winster.com you can play free games (slot social is my fav!) and earn actual points for various prizes!

www.houseparty.com you can register to hold a party at your house to test new porducts ot screen new t.v. shows before they air!

www.webdigestweekly.com great site! Features different artist each week, ranging from illustrators, poets, novelists, etc., and Q&A with lots of really cool people!

I'll probably add to this list from time to time. I just wanted to share with you what's sparking my interest these days!

Teardrops Fall From Heaven

Teardrops Fall From Heaven

Teardrops fall from Heaven
As they do my eye
Angels show their sorrow
Bow their heads and cry
They see our breaking hearts
They feel our loss and pain
They show they understand
By letting out the rain
Heavenly angels reaching out
Trying to wash it all away
Wanting us to know
We’ll see him again one day
God called him home
For reasons we don’t know
And one day we’ll rejoice
Happy he got to go
But for now we’ll hang our heads
For an angel who had to fly
Teardrops fall from Heaven
As we say goodbye.

Cynthia Dockery Allgood

This Is How Life Has To Be

This Is How Life Has To Be

Cry no more tears for me

This is how life has to be

Feel no pain in your heart

Everyone has to be apart

Lose no sleep late at night

It may seem wrong, but it’s alright

Don’t lose sight because I’m out of touch

Always remember I love you so much

Let go of loneliness, it’ll only hurt

Remember only my body goes in the dirt

My spirit lives on; my soul is free

This is how life has to be
Cynthia Dockery Allgood

Some poetry I wrote a while back

The Art of Being Me

In the twilight of my day
The only worry I have
Is if I’ll see
The twilight of my tomorrow
Nothing that’s ever promised
Has been a guarantee
This is the art
The art of being me

Cynthia Dockery Allgood

Disillusion

Seeing the world
Through rose-colored glasses
Through guilt-free tears
And sincere fake-smiles
Knowing that as long as you deny
Then it isn’t so

Cynthia Dockery Allgood


I Am a Mother

I am a mother
To a child
Full of life
Giving of love
A touch of doubt
A pinch of resistance
Right in her nature
Mature for her age
Wanting her to learn
Yet stay little
I am a mother
To a child

Cynthia Dockery Allgood