I lose sight when I'm out of touch

I haven't blogged in ages, and for no good reason. My only excuse would be that I have been preoccupied with the day-to-day of my life, nothing of great significance I can assure you.

I start back to college in about a week and a half. Returning to school and obtaining a degree is something I always knew I would do, but like with high school, I didn't set an actual timeframe for myself for completing it. An Associates Degree in Criminal Justice is what I plan on working towards. Is there a chance I'll change my major? Yes, mainly because I'm still "on the fence" about what I want to do as a career. I would love to help children, and right now I'm focusing my efforts on obtaining a degree and becoming a detective so I can work for the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, or some other intity of that nature. Online internet predators are a real, and growing danger towards our children. Being able to stop those individuals and apprehend them before they get the chance to physically harm a child is what I want to do. Children are innocent and get sucked into the brutally glamourized bandwagon we call the internet. They see the appeal and power, as well as freedom the internet offers, and are rendered powerless when they befriend the enemy, a child predator. The internet is a great technological tool of our times, but it has been used against the innocent time and time again.

I have to do something to make a difference in this world. God put me here for a reason, and I'm still here for a reason. I have to help save our children from this growing, vile epidemic that threatens what is innocent and pure in our offspring. Our children are already exposed to more than we could ever imagine, causing them to have to grow up faster than we did. Let's do our best to try to salvage what litle bit is left of their childhood, and just let them be kids.

What to do when you've lost yourself

I have blogged in over 2 months now. Not that there hasn't been plenty to blog about, because there has been an abundance of every day going ons that I sure would spark someone's interest. The point is, I've lost myself, which seems to be the opposite of what I had hoped to be this time of year, especially now. I had a hysterectomy back in September, which has improved my health tremendously. I no longer suffer from the debilitating pain that occured on a daily basis. I forgot what life was like without physical pain. I have been suffering from daily headaches since October, but the pain is nowhere near what I had experienced with the Endometriosis.

So, here I am, feeling lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm working full time at the DOL, and part-time as a supervisor at Kmart. When I'm not working, I'm tryingto tend to Nicole's emotional needs/wants, as she too doesn't know what to do with herself.

I feel like I'm not enjoying life as Ishould, or even living is as I should for that matter. Christmas is right around the corner, and I've realized I buy for everyone to make myself feel better. I really don't care about getting presents, because I find joy in watching everyone else open their presents from me. Of course, I tend to go overboard, and end up regretting that in the long run.

I wish I felt like really writing. I remember when I was younger, I was passionate about aspects of my life, and would write poetry as if I were repeatedly writng my name. Words seemed to flow, never-ending. I could sit and write a number of poems a day, each reflecting on a different part of myself, each full of emotion and conviction. I had an emagination that knew no bounds, writing as if I had fell into the rabbit hole from Alice In Wonderland. Nowadays, I do good to write even a small handful of poems in a year's time. I feel no passion for anything. I just feel as I'm here, nothing more. I truly hope the New Year offers some purpose.

Could I Be...

As I sit here at my desk, I contemplate the one question I've asked myself every month for two years now: Could I be pregnant? This is no new journey for me in the sense that I was pregnant with Nicole 10 years ago. It is new territory in that with Nicole, I wasn't anticipating pregnancy. With Nicole, I wasn't even expecting it. I was 19 and thought I had years before I would even consider it. Now here I am 10 years later, and I crave pregnancy. I want to take the test and see two lines. I want to have my doctor confirm it with a big bright smile, and say, " You're pregnant!" I want to surprise my husband Josh and Nicole by letting them unwrap a gift box containing a onesie. I want to have the expanding belly, the gigantic boobs, the wonderful pregnancy glow. I want to have that magical, powerful feeling that only a conception can bring. I want to experience all the things I did 10 years ago, but I want to share it with Nicole and Josh. I want them to know the joy I felt. I want Nicole to know what her mama is like when she's pregnant. I want Josh to know what it feels like to have a biological child. I want to teach a little one all the things I taught my first born. I want to hold a baby, my baby, once again.

Baby Fever

My sister is pregnant with her second child. She's having a little boy, due in June. My friends Melissa and Bill are expecting a little girl. I believe she's due in June as well. I am so happy and excited for them both, but I must confess: I WANT A BABY!!!!

Anyone that knows me knows this isn't new. I've been ranting and raving about it for some time now. The things is, for a few months, I'll want a baby, then I'll change my mind. I think about how wonderful it would be to give Josh a son or daughter, and Nicole a brother or sister. I think about how I enjoyed being pregnant with Nicole 10 years ago, and how healthy I was then. I remember all the attention I would get, everyone making a fuss over my expanding belly. It was magical.

Then I think about all the stuff I could do if I were pregnant, or had a baby. No more modeling, no theme park rides, no bikini shopping, no more feeling like a young mother. I'd be the woman with a 10 year old and a newborn. Some people would call that crazy.

I had a dream Saturday night about me being pregnant. Melissa was in the dream too. Then Sunday night, I had a dream about Melissa and my sister Felisha. Is it that I'm just so obsessed about being pregnant that I have baby fever, resulting in such dreams?

I was 19 when I became pregnant with Nicole. I didn't know then how precious that time is. Now that I'm 29, and having trouble getting pregnant, I feel like I may have taken it for granted. There's a chance I'll never physically have another baby again. To realize that breaks my heart. The one thing I wasn't ready to do at 19 I want to do at 29. Go Figure.