Could I Be...

As I sit here at my desk, I contemplate the one question I've asked myself every month for two years now: Could I be pregnant? This is no new journey for me in the sense that I was pregnant with Nicole 10 years ago. It is new territory in that with Nicole, I wasn't anticipating pregnancy. With Nicole, I wasn't even expecting it. I was 19 and thought I had years before I would even consider it. Now here I am 10 years later, and I crave pregnancy. I want to take the test and see two lines. I want to have my doctor confirm it with a big bright smile, and say, " You're pregnant!" I want to surprise my husband Josh and Nicole by letting them unwrap a gift box containing a onesie. I want to have the expanding belly, the gigantic boobs, the wonderful pregnancy glow. I want to have that magical, powerful feeling that only a conception can bring. I want to experience all the things I did 10 years ago, but I want to share it with Nicole and Josh. I want them to know the joy I felt. I want Nicole to know what her mama is like when she's pregnant. I want Josh to know what it feels like to have a biological child. I want to teach a little one all the things I taught my first born. I want to hold a baby, my baby, once again.

Baby Fever

My sister is pregnant with her second child. She's having a little boy, due in June. My friends Melissa and Bill are expecting a little girl. I believe she's due in June as well. I am so happy and excited for them both, but I must confess: I WANT A BABY!!!!

Anyone that knows me knows this isn't new. I've been ranting and raving about it for some time now. The things is, for a few months, I'll want a baby, then I'll change my mind. I think about how wonderful it would be to give Josh a son or daughter, and Nicole a brother or sister. I think about how I enjoyed being pregnant with Nicole 10 years ago, and how healthy I was then. I remember all the attention I would get, everyone making a fuss over my expanding belly. It was magical.

Then I think about all the stuff I could do if I were pregnant, or had a baby. No more modeling, no theme park rides, no bikini shopping, no more feeling like a young mother. I'd be the woman with a 10 year old and a newborn. Some people would call that crazy.

I had a dream Saturday night about me being pregnant. Melissa was in the dream too. Then Sunday night, I had a dream about Melissa and my sister Felisha. Is it that I'm just so obsessed about being pregnant that I have baby fever, resulting in such dreams?

I was 19 when I became pregnant with Nicole. I didn't know then how precious that time is. Now that I'm 29, and having trouble getting pregnant, I feel like I may have taken it for granted. There's a chance I'll never physically have another baby again. To realize that breaks my heart. The one thing I wasn't ready to do at 19 I want to do at 29. Go Figure.