Could I Be...

As I sit here at my desk, I contemplate the one question I've asked myself every month for two years now: Could I be pregnant? This is no new journey for me in the sense that I was pregnant with Nicole 10 years ago. It is new territory in that with Nicole, I wasn't anticipating pregnancy. With Nicole, I wasn't even expecting it. I was 19 and thought I had years before I would even consider it. Now here I am 10 years later, and I crave pregnancy. I want to take the test and see two lines. I want to have my doctor confirm it with a big bright smile, and say, " You're pregnant!" I want to surprise my husband Josh and Nicole by letting them unwrap a gift box containing a onesie. I want to have the expanding belly, the gigantic boobs, the wonderful pregnancy glow. I want to have that magical, powerful feeling that only a conception can bring. I want to experience all the things I did 10 years ago, but I want to share it with Nicole and Josh. I want them to know the joy I felt. I want Nicole to know what her mama is like when she's pregnant. I want Josh to know what it feels like to have a biological child. I want to teach a little one all the things I taught my first born. I want to hold a baby, my baby, once again.